As I do every year around the time of my birthday, I like to sit back for a moment and observe myself in order to see how I have grown and changed as a person. A year can be viewed as a long or short period of time, depending on the context. It passes by so quickly, yet so much can happen in the three-hundred and sixty-five days.

Last year, I wrote that I felt that each year was becoming much more emotionally intense, but I had no idea what would be in store for me in the year twenty-eleven. Filled with more tears and heartbreak than I could ever recall, at the time I felt like the weakest person in the world when I gave into crying. Tears overflowed on numerous nights while my heart ached for so many reasons. However, I did get what I asked for – I wanted to be more emotionally open and to allow myself to cry instead of holding back so much like I did in the past. With that said, I wonder if I overdid it and cried too much.

Once again, there was betrayal and trust broken over the smallest issues imaginable. Although it was painful at first, I realized that it’s better to just move on regardless.

Compared to last year, I’m finally catching sight of the finish line for this chapter of my life, so I’m setting everything up to the best of my ability now in order to ready myself for the next part of the story. This was something that I was unable to see last year, but now it seems so clear and my motivation is strong.

Spiritually, I have learned a lot but I still have a lot of things that I’ve yet to learn. But, by being myself, I am able to share this world and love with others around me, such as friends. I have also realized that I am able to aid friends in tough situations if need be. by providing protection and support to an extent. I have also managed to be more honest about a few things that I do – being able to share that with my parents was a big step for me. At least now, they can understand me that little bit more.

But most importantly, this year is my year – the year of the dragon, and I plan to concentrate on my plans as much as I possibly can. This means less socializing and more work and study. I need to learn moderation and set myself on the right track.

In terms of love, I know where my heart lies, but right now that relationship won’t be able to come into fruition. I must first do my best and concentrate on what I need to do now, and the rest will fall into place. He should know that I love him with all my heart, and that’s the biggest thing he needs to be aware of.

Unlike previous years, there’s a real, raw vital energy about twenty-twelve that I want to take advantage of and harness so that I can get everything I need to do out of the way and start with the rest of my life as soon as possible.

—

Knock knock. “Who’s there?”
Turn around to see blank stares.
Even in your silence, I’m amused
No matter how mundane or plain,
Simplicity is humour within itself!

Lackluster logic, or the lack of;
With unabridged inspirations,
My so-called lame jokes are born!
Even with your unamused faces,
I know you’re laughing with me inside.

Knock knock. Guess what?
These jokes are going nowhere!

There’s too much tied to this one word; your name. Even before you stepped into my life, it had so much meaning and significance. Now that you’ve made your exit, your footprints still remain – slowly fading, but still present.

Just when I assure myself that I no longer need you, somehow you come back and remind me that your mark has been made. It’s not that I long for you, but I seem to constantly fall into the trap of unresolved issues with men, especially in regards to the heart. It’s the mistake that I seem to repeat time and time again – I thought I had learned my lesson but it doesn’t seem to appear that way. I hoped things with you could have been different, yet you did the same as the rest of them and left me alone in the cold.

All I ever wanted was one word: an answer. A simple yes or a no to the question if you felt the same way about me, as I did for you. Do I ask too much? No one ever seems to give me the straight answers that I desire. I’m sick of the games of hinting and leaving things unsaid – am I unworthy of such honesty?

You wouldn’t understand – you have no idea how I’ve been broken time and time again. Maybe I’m melodramatic, but I cannot lie or deny the hurt that has torn it’s way through my heart repeatedly. What most people don’t realize is that it makes me question my own self-worth. What part of me isn’t good enough? What part of me is so unsightly that I’m left unwanted? The insecurities pile up, returning me to the place where I began.

All I needed was one word to change that all, but you denied me. There wasn’t even a goodbye: it was one word never given.

Spirit guides are divine entities who help us in our current life – there are people who listen to them well instinctively, and others who block them out completely. Their purpose to help us achieve our life goals and create a fulfilling life. They are our teachers whom we learn many lessons from in unexpected ways; they are our protectors who give us warnings, hoping that we hear their call. They come in all forms, shapes and sizes – from animals to people to otherworldly creatures. They can be past relatives, past lovers (from previous lifetimes) to highly spiritual beings.

For a while now, I have suspected one of my guides to be a past life lover. When I glimpsed his face last time, memories flooded back and he quickly hid himself from me again, which can get frustrating at times. I did some channel writing and he revealed a few slight details to me, but I was still unsure of myself. I am still in a very large learning process of what I am actually capable of.

Today, when I had a tarot reading done by a fellow psychic friend, we sat on the floor and started discussing my guides (as well as talking to them). We started to talk about how my guides are connected to me – one is my grandmother, whom I refer to as Nanay, from my father’s side. She is particularly selective, and is one of  my primary guides. Nanay holds a lot of pride in regards to me, and is a very strict, tough woman. I love her dearly, and she is one of the sources in which I draw strength and courage from.

I have another guide by the name of Archaeus, as he refers himself to me. He appears to me in a guise of a very elderly, wise man. He is moreso a teacher than a guide – I have several lessons in which I need to partake in with him, and so far I have only completed one.

There is also a young guide in my presence – she is learning how to guide. I have had some contact with her, and I have sent her off on a couple of tasks before. She is often in the background, but we will be better acquainted in future.

The guide who was my past life lover (from a very long time ago – approximately 400 B.C.) goes by the name of Shin (神) – that is how he first revealed himself to me. I am studying Japanese so I recognized it as “Shin” rather than the traditional Chinese pronounciation, Shen (which is his ‘proper’ name). He is rather reserved and shy; a very proper man with a background of wealth. In that lifetime, I was a mere commoner in the lower class while he was part of a middle class family. Our union was looked down upon and said to have brought his family shame. It seems that we kept our relationship hidden but it was not a fruitful life in terms of love. There were no children born between us and there was no recognition from his family.

Millenia have passed, and in this lifetime (at least), he has found me once again and offers his services to me as a spiritual guide. He hides his face from me in order to prevent me from remembering because he wants me to focus on my life now and not the past.

I still love him dearly, platonically, and I am grateful for his care over me.

Nanay is a little unsure about him though. The way she refers to him is that he is from “another time”, meaning that he is not directly related to my current incarnation.

I would love to learn more about my past lives – I have had glimpse of a fair few. For most part, I know what kind of life I had in those previous lifetimes, and there are some of my past lovers around in my current life whom I am still connected to in some way. Perhaps one day, when I rediscover those stories, I will write them down as a keepsake.

Even if I tried, I could never hate you. Yet, you are also the cause of my tears and together, we spiral downwards at a dangerous pace. This melancholic waltz we dance is in silence with the melody halted. Our steps are clumsy and foolish, barely getting us anywhere. We’re stuck in the middle of a stage that we want to leave behind; tired of being watched and judged – when will this intermission end?

I no longer want to disclose the secrets of my heart. The truth I shall never deny but I’m not sure how much longer I can keep silent. I’m tired of hiding from the world, pretending things are different from our obscure reality but what other option is available to me where I still appear sane?

I appreciate your sentiments, and a part of me dearly wishes it could have been but it really cannot. We shared so much, and that is something I’ll never forget.

There are some things that should remain unspoken for now. Until the right moment approaches, we’ll leave the thought here, in this silent space in our hearts where we can connect.