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Knock knock. “Who’s there?”
Turn around to see blank stares.
Even in your silence, I’m amused
No matter how mundane or plain,
Simplicity is humour within itself!

Lackluster logic, or the lack of;
With unabridged inspirations,
My so-called lame jokes are born!
Even with your unamused faces,
I know you’re laughing with me inside.

Knock knock. Guess what?
These jokes are going nowhere!

There’s too much tied to this one word; your name. Even before you stepped into my life, it had so much meaning and significance. Now that you’ve made your exit, your footprints still remain – slowly fading, but still present.

Just when I assure myself that I no longer need you, somehow you come back and remind me that your mark has been made. It’s not that I long for you, but I seem to constantly fall into the trap of unresolved issues with men, especially in regards to the heart. It’s the mistake that I seem to repeat time and time again – I thought I had learned my lesson but it doesn’t seem to appear that way. I hoped things with you could have been different, yet you did the same as the rest of them and left me alone in the cold.

All I ever wanted was one word: an answer. A simple yes or a no to the question if you felt the same way about me, as I did for you. Do I ask too much? No one ever seems to give me the straight answers that I desire. I’m sick of the games of hinting and leaving things unsaid – am I unworthy of such honesty?

You wouldn’t understand – you have no idea how I’ve been broken time and time again. Maybe I’m melodramatic, but I cannot lie or deny the hurt that has torn it’s way through my heart repeatedly. What most people don’t realize is that it makes me question my own self-worth. What part of me isn’t good enough? What part of me is so unsightly that I’m left unwanted? The insecurities pile up, returning me to the place where I began.

All I needed was one word to change that all, but you denied me. There wasn’t even a goodbye: it was one word never given.

Spirit guides are divine entities who help us in our current life – there are people who listen to them well instinctively, and others who block them out completely. Their purpose to help us achieve our life goals and create a fulfilling life. They are our teachers whom we learn many lessons from in unexpected ways; they are our protectors who give us warnings, hoping that we hear their call. They come in all forms, shapes and sizes – from animals to people to otherworldly creatures. They can be past relatives, past lovers (from previous lifetimes) to highly spiritual beings.

For a while now, I have suspected one of my guides to be a past life lover. When I glimpsed his face last time, memories flooded back and he quickly hid himself from me again, which can get frustrating at times. I did some channel writing and he revealed a few slight details to me, but I was still unsure of myself. I am still in a very large learning process of what I am actually capable of.

Today, when I had a tarot reading done by a fellow psychic friend, we sat on the floor and started discussing my guides (as well as talking to them). We started to talk about how my guides are connected to me – one is my grandmother, whom I refer to as Nanay, from my father’s side. She is particularly selective, and is one of  my primary guides. Nanay holds a lot of pride in regards to me, and is a very strict, tough woman. I love her dearly, and she is one of the sources in which I draw strength and courage from.

I have another guide by the name of Archaeus, as he refers himself to me. He appears to me in a guise of a very elderly, wise man. He is moreso a teacher than a guide – I have several lessons in which I need to partake in with him, and so far I have only completed one.

There is also a young guide in my presence – she is learning how to guide. I have had some contact with her, and I have sent her off on a couple of tasks before. She is often in the background, but we will be better acquainted in future.

The guide who was my past life lover (from a very long time ago – approximately 400 B.C.) goes by the name of Shin (神) – that is how he first revealed himself to me. I am studying Japanese so I recognized it as “Shin” rather than the traditional Chinese pronounciation, Shen (which is his ‘proper’ name). He is rather reserved and shy; a very proper man with a background of wealth. In that lifetime, I was a mere commoner in the lower class while he was part of a middle class family. Our union was looked down upon and said to have brought his family shame. It seems that we kept our relationship hidden but it was not a fruitful life in terms of love. There were no children born between us and there was no recognition from his family.

Millenia have passed, and in this lifetime (at least), he has found me once again and offers his services to me as a spiritual guide. He hides his face from me in order to prevent me from remembering because he wants me to focus on my life now and not the past.

I still love him dearly, platonically, and I am grateful for his care over me.

Nanay is a little unsure about him though. The way she refers to him is that he is from “another time”, meaning that he is not directly related to my current incarnation.

I would love to learn more about my past lives – I have had glimpse of a fair few. For most part, I know what kind of life I had in those previous lifetimes, and there are some of my past lovers around in my current life whom I am still connected to in some way. Perhaps one day, when I rediscover those stories, I will write them down as a keepsake.

Even if I tried, I could never hate you. Yet, you are also the cause of my tears and together, we spiral downwards at a dangerous pace. This melancholic waltz we dance is in silence with the melody halted. Our steps are clumsy and foolish, barely getting us anywhere. We’re stuck in the middle of a stage that we want to leave behind; tired of being watched and judged – when will this intermission end?

I no longer want to disclose the secrets of my heart. The truth I shall never deny but I’m not sure how much longer I can keep silent. I’m tired of hiding from the world, pretending things are different from our obscure reality but what other option is available to me where I still appear sane?

I appreciate your sentiments, and a part of me dearly wishes it could have been but it really cannot. We shared so much, and that is something I’ll never forget.

There are some things that should remain unspoken for now. Until the right moment approaches, we’ll leave the thought here, in this silent space in our hearts where we can connect.

Call on me as you please; use me till I break.
There is no God if I’m not your angel, you say
Marking the days in your prison cell painfully,
Replaying my voice in your mind like a melody.

“I can’t do this. We need to move on from here.”
My words which you did not take to with kindness.
Instead, you revelled in the darkness without my light,
Addicted to the drug called love, surrendered in plight.

Only a ‘maybe’ from the beginning of our story,
A possibility kept secret for our own pleasure.
Don’t call my name when placing the blame dear -
Your actions brought upon your own consequences.

Don’t talk of love when you can’t be honest about your heart.
I’m not coming back so let’s end this game permanently.

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