Goodbye 2011, Hello 2012!

Time is ticking away – it never stops for anyone and there are no exceptions. Within a few mere hours, we will say goodbye to 2011 forever and begin 2012 as the New Year.

This year has been especially excruciating for me for several reasons, mostly pertaining to family and emotional issues. I’ve had a fair few emotional breakdowns, and at my lowest I just felt like giving up on life altogether but I managed to pull through. It hasn’t been easy, and my heart is even more broken and scarred than before but I’ve somehow kept it together and my will to keep living is stronger than ever before.

This year, I’ve made friends and lost friends. I’ve been betrayed but also found people worth trusting. I started to realize that I am able to lead by example, and that it’s ok to let my emotions out and cry. I fell out of love, realized true love and have been reminded that I need to confront my feelings rather than just run away from them.

I’ve come to accept many new sides of myself and always working towards improving myself as a person. I always will aim to be better than who I am today. Tomorrow I want to be better than who I am today, even if it’s just slightly, and so forth.

I’ve had many slaps to the face – not physically, but metaphorically. I am realizing the importance of time, and how quickly it can slip through our fingers. I also am holding steadfast to promises I’ve made, doing my best to keep my word whenever possible.

2011 has been hellish at times, but it has shown me that even in my darkest hours, I can manage to find strength and courage to pull through – even if it means I need to borrow some of that from friends and loved ones around me.

2012 is the year of the dragon – my Chinese zodiac. I hope that this means I will accomplish everything I need to do and that it will be my year to shine. So, watch out 2012! I’m coming at you with full force and there’s nothing that can stop me!

Once Again, To You; For You

I can’t seem to shake this habit of writing to you; writing for you. When I thought about what I wanted to say, my mind went blank and tears welled up in my eyes instead. I wonder if that means anything to you. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again – I’ll always care for you. Perhaps even to the extent that it could destroy me, but the more that I deny it, the more my feelings turn into irritation and annoyance because I don’t know how else to deal with them.

“Don’t look away from me.” I never should have made such a selfish request. Every time I look at you now, all I can see is hurt in your eyes. I feel that it’s my fault, and I’m sorry. Yet, your kind words say you only want to see me smile. Thus, this vicious cycle continues and we do nothing but cause each other pain. Can we really live like this?

I thought I would stop writing to you; writing for you. I told myself that it was time to let you go and make you stand on your own two feet. However, in the end, I can’t seem to leave you alone. Can you tell me why that is? Regardless of what everyone says, even if I mask my own feelings, I can’t seem to leave you be. It is because of this nature of mine that I seem to keep on hurting you. We’ve all made mistakes, but to continuously punish ourselves with memories is only masochism.

We know this. We know that it’s better to let go, so why can’t we do it? I wonder if you understand the extent of my selfishness – even if I tell you to look away, I know that once you do a part of me will break. But, for your own sake, you need to do this. You deserve better than this.

You’ve given me strength over the years, but the past few you have become my ultimate weakness. Isn’t it strange how we understand each other, yet at the same time we don’t. More than most, you have come to understand my emotional nature, but you are also the cause for my emotionality.

Even if we try to move past this accordingly, I know within myself that we can only resolve this with each other.

My heart aches when I think of you. Why did we have to come to this?

I wonder if it would be alright for me to continue walking beside you. Even if you let me go, I’ll watch you from a distance just to make sure you’re okay.

From me, to you; written for you. The favour returned once again, until next time the wind whispers.

Recollections: “A real man won’t make you cry”

Upon seeing a quote today, (“No man is worth your tears, but once you find one that is, he won’t make you cry.”), I remembered an incident which happened in the past with a very close friend of mine. We were both very young – I was in ninth grade, which is second year of middle school as other countries may know it, while he was a grade above me.

Duc and I had mutual friends in common but initially had met online via mIRC. We both frequented in similar channels and started using each other’s channels too after a while. The more we talked, the better acquainted we became. I still remember my first encounter with him – I was with Mellies and we were sitting at the back of Tilt (a gaming arcade which is no longer around) waiting for our turn on the DDR machine. Duc went up, and we recognized him from pictures but both parties were too shy to say hi. When I got home that afternoon, I messaged him on mIRC and we both asked why we didn’t greet the other first.

After that, I saw him a little more frequently. We were both similar in the sense that we skipped majority of our classes to play video games, but both of us still excelled in our academics. We were both also involved with the wrong crowds, but moreso Duc than myself. He was that guy who got into fights frequently (though very much unwillingly) whereas my friends made sure that no one would start on me. I never got my hands ‘dirty’ in any way since everyone else would threaten the other party before they ever laid a hand on me.

We both became quite close, and many had the misconception that we were dating. Though, we both did hold mutual crushes on each other at some point, but I think mine lasted longer than his. I eventually told him I liked him, but that was because my other friends wouldn’t keep quiet and made obvious points about my feelings.

Anyhow, the main incident that happened between us was that Duc had mistaken me for backstabbing him. Two guys, who were incidentally Filipino, had said something about him and he ended up getting beat up because of it. They had told him that I was the one who had said everything, though it wasn’t true. It had turned out that my godbrother had gone and said things to other people that he had overheard in my conversations, and twisted it to make Duc sound like he was in the wrong.

I still remember that night when Duc was mad at me. He wouldn’t even explain why at first, then eventually ended up chewing me out as he enlightened me about the situation. I was upset, cried and told him that it wasn’t true. It wasn’t until later that he believed me, but I was extremely hurt.

The next day, I refused to go to school. So, I called out a couple friends last minute and made them skip class with me. We headed into town and did our usual thing. However, when we went into Cyberhive, I saw Duc there and my feelings rose up to the surface again. I ended up going up to him, yelling at him whilst crying (I am quite aware that I can be a drama queen), then ran down the stairs and out the door while he chased me down, calling out my name. I guess you can say it’s your typical Korean drama scene, if you’re into that kind of thing.

That night, he messaged me online and apologized heavily, not realizing how much he had hurt me. That was when he said those words to me. “A guy who deserves you wouldn’t make you cry. I made you cry, so you deserve someone better than me. I’m sorry, but I wouldn’t be able to bear it knowing I hurt you like that.”

I don’t think he would remember saying those words to me now – he has quite a horrible memory at times. But, it was those words that ended up strengthening our friendship. Regardless how of little we saw each other over the years, we still remained good friends. Even when he disappeared to Sydney for about a year, and we had no contact, when he came back, nothing had changed. Now we catch up more regularly and I’m so glad to have him around. I have noticed that he is still a little protective over me at times, but he gives me a good reality check when I need it.

I actually hope he doesn’t read this, and I doubt he will, but I am grateful to him for so many things. I hope that my friendship with him will continue to last over the years, regardless of what may happen.

On the inside

“He doesn’t feel as comfortable around us, because the way we are, we’re all Anglo-Saxon on the inside,” said Jaspher, as the topic of a fellow Filipino friend was brought up. “He’s still very Filipino in the way he acts an socializes. Us? We’re white – we’re Australianized because we grew up here.”

It’s simple statements like this that tend to make me think. My Bachelor degree that I’m currently studying forces me to think about myself and my identity often. I knew that what Jaspher was correct with what he was saying, but that also made me wonder how “Filipino” I am. What have I taken on as Filipino cultural values?

Certainly, for me, there is the family aspect – with the way we get together, celebrate and spend time with one another is very Filipino, if you want to generalize and stereotype. I can handle, to some extent, the Filipino style of socializing, but not too much as I find them to be rather intense. I can only take them in small doses before I start to feel either annoyed or uncomfortable.

Stemming on further than that, I am also studying and learning about Japanese culture, and there are some aspects that I have taken on unconciously it seems. I tend to agree with people a lot using “うん～” – that’s something I’ve come to notice over the past few years. Though, I’m not sure what else I have taken on. My professors tell me that once you immerse yourself in a language, the culture follows, and sometimes we adapt these behaviours.

When I was younger, I identified myself as “Filipino” and “Asian” because it was all that I knew. As I’ve grown up, it was inevitable that I would adapt Anglo-Saxon culture, mindset and behaviour. Australian’s are very laid-back, relaxed and don’t like to stress over things – it’s the way I like things. With that said, I know that my identity is composed of more than just one culture, and I’m likely to be influenced by more as I learn more languages. I have the tendency to pick and choose what I like from other cultures and adapt that into myself, and it will only continue.

Insomnia

Tossing and turning beneath bed sheets,
Wishing to drift off into the dreamer’s land.
Efforts futile; the mind refusing to shut down -
I lay awake staring at the night-veiled ceiling.

A hundred thoughts running across my mind;
Eyes wide open, curtains by the window shut -
Scenarios of my story outside this room play
As I stare into nothingness. Sleeplessness.
Insomnia, why do you plague me relentlessly?

Silence buzzes in the air; I hear my own breath.
The night is calm; soothing with an eerie beauty.
Even in my tranquility I cannot fall into a dream.
Can I call the Sandman to make me a rabbit hole?

If only I could close my eyes and dream sweetly,
I would not face this nightly battle with insomnia.

Goodnight and sweet dreams; I wish to retire now.
Goodbye insomnia – until tomorrow night, we meet again.