Memoirs of High School Love Part 1
Since I don’t think I can write this out entirely the way I originally intended, I’ve decided to write down this memory in one post. Although this was originally intended for a friend to read, I think that it is also a precious memory that I would like to remember even though it isn’t the best.
This story dates back to high school in ninth grade after I broke up with my first (and only) boyfriend. Though, I’ll give a quick briefing about him too to show that I never really had much luck with guys in the past.
I had caught my boyfriend out on playing me. One night, I called his mobile phone and overheard horrible things he said about me to his friends whilst at a party. At the time I was talking to another person since he passed the phone off to someone else. I guess he didn’t want to talk to me. I was having a good conversation with his friend until we started to hear my boyfriend’s drunken slander. He said I was easy, desperate and a slut, and that’s putting it nicely. At first, I was in denial and couldn’t believe it was him. His friend, who I had been speaking to for about twenty minutes, became annoyed at him and asked me “Why are you dating this guy? Clearly he doesn’t appreciate you.” I still wasn’t sure what to believe. I said goodbye to his friend on the phone and hung up, dumbfounded about why he said such things.
I tried to contact him all week, but he screened my calls and wouldn’t pick up if my number showed. If I called on a private number, he would answer but when he realized it was me, he would make an excuse to hang up and go off somewhere. Finally, I had enough. I sent him a text message saying we needed to talk. Before I could even confront him, he told me he had something to say to me as well.
Guess who got to the breakup first? Yup, that’s right – he did. His excuse was that he was about to enter a stressful year in high school and would not have much time for me. I had rang with the intention of breaking up but the tables had been turned and suddenly, I no longer could confront him. I felt used, and was heartbroken. I didn’t cry on the phone to him though, but like a foolish girl, I told him it didn’t matter if he didn’t see me as often as we liked and that I would wait for him. Looking back on those words now, I realize how naïve I was.
We remained friends, or we tried to at least. I called up a close friend afterwards and told her what happened – she consoled me and reminded me that there were plenty of other guys around, and many of them would be better candidates than my ex. I cried my heart out, and wrote my very first poem, which would eventually lead me down the path of writing poetry and prose.
School started and summer was over – I guess you could count that relationship as a summer fling? In my eyes now, I can’t say that what I had with my ex was a real relationship. If anything, it was puppy love, but he did play a big role in my life – he was the reason I started to write out my emotions with words on paper.
I was quite a social butterfly in high school, and drifted between many different groups of friends on different days. All of them understood that I liked to treat my friends equally and had no problem with this. As I spent time with different groups, I started to notice a certain guy – he came to our school late the previous year. I thought he was attractive and asked friends about him. He was the shy type – our groups mingled every now and then but he would sit coolly in the background, trying not to draw attention to himself as he listened to music on his MD player. Every now and then, one of the guys would strike conversation with him. His smile was beautiful, and something about his quiet, gentle personality intrigued me. I didn’t know him very well, but I fell for him slowly but surely.
I won’t say his name here, but we’ll use his initials which is MH.
My friends slowly found out about my new crush, and somehow, so did my ex-boyfriend. This had me baffled – I didn’t understand why he went to such lengths to find out who my new crush was. He even took the trouble to meet and talk to him at a basketball practice. It was this, and the fact he had turned some of my childhood friends against me, lying and saying that I was pursuing him for a relationship when he said no already, that caused me to dislike him. This girl, who I had known since third grade, believed him because she liked him. Ever since then, we haven’t exchanged words at all.
One day during lunch, one of my friends wanted to go talk to my crush to see if he would be interested in me. I didn’t decline, but I was certainly nervous. I didn’t expect her to give him my number – I had two numbers at the time: one prepaid and one on plan. I had my prepaid off and that was the number she gave him. He called it which went straight to my voicemail greeting – this was the moment that the whole school seemed to have found out. I’m not exaggerating when I say ‘whole school’ – I was linked to many people and everyone who knew us from grades eight to twelve, from that moment, would not leave us alone. Seeing as I was also well known within the school for all my achievements, that didn’t help with killing the attention either.
From that day on, every time either he or I arrived at school, it would be “Hey MH, you’re girlfriend is here!” or “Hey Glenda, your boyfriend’s been waiting for you.” It was quite embarrassing, but at the same time, this somehow eased the tension a lot and holds a lot of cute memories for me. I remember that we would look at each other with shy smiles and flushed cheeks as we tried to dodge comments from our friends. It also brought him into the spotlight of popularity quite quickly, and suddenly, many other girls started to like him as well. I never quite understood why there was a chain reaction like that.
I continued to hang out with different friend groups and on the days that I would not be with people who mixed with MH’s group, he would somehow find a way to be in the same area as me with his group of friends in clear hindsight. Then he would proceed to show off and make his presence known. Of course, I didn’t mind as I would smile as his wild antics while my friends would shake their heads at him and go on about how he should just make a move. We enjoyed ourselves though, and although those stunts would be stupid in our eyes now, back then, it was something which really lit up my heart.
However, my favourite thing that he would do every day as long as we were both at school but would take place after school hours. Even until this day, I still find this gesture to be sweet unlike any other. Since my godbrother was in junior primary at the time, I would have to walk through the primary school to pick him up and meet my other godsiblings. Without fail, he was always out before me and sat at the same bench, waiting for me to walk past. When I appeared, we would both make eye contact and smile, even for just for a moment. After I had walked off, he would get up and walk home which was in the opposite direction. It was a perfect way to end my day each time, knowing he would be waiting for me just so that we could catch each other’s smiles.
Corny? Yes. Cliché? Maybe, but it’s all true.
Unfortunately, this sweet side of him started to disappear after a certain event. One day, my friends had riled me up, telling me that my ex-best friend was going to ask him out and were telling me to confess to him. I couldn’t do it face to face, so I decided to write him a letter confessing to him how I felt. I folded it into the shape of a heart using origami and my friend delivered it to him for me.
I never heard a reply.
Although I didn’t receive an answer, I slowly started to realize that things were not going to turn out as I hoped. But hope sparked in me once again when I heard a story from one of my close male friends who was also friends with MH. Apparently one night, his brother Phi had sneaked into his room, took the letter off his desk and read it. MH came in after his shower, caught his brother and they had a fight (as in punching and the works) as he tried to retrieve it. The fact he kept it made me think that perhaps there was still a chance after all. So I gathered the courage and with the support of my friends, I decided to approach him one day for a direct answer.
To be continued…
Deafening Silence
In the midst of the night when there are no words to be spoken, I recall your name in the darkness, wishing to forget. My efforts are seemingly futile as I try to erase these memories and emotions from my heart. No matter how many times I try, somehow you seem to creep back once again.
I wish these feelings were just an illusion that I could dispel. I’m hating myself for feeling this way – for looking at you who probably wouldn’t even glance at me again. Why have I fallen into this trap? Release me from this cage if you wish nothing from me.
In this deafening silence, my mind slowly falls into insanity.
I try my best to stop looking to you for answers, yet I continue to wonder that perhaps, what if everything was played in a different key? Would your path still have crossed with mine? Would we pass each other without the exchange of a smile, or the love in our hearts?
I’ve learned to ask nothing from you, and so I must save myself for it seems you will bear me no aid in any form. But there’s something about you that won’t let me turn away. I’m tearing myself between the darkness and the light.
Surely, you must know by now why I speak these words, but I cannot hold on forever – my grip is slipping as time passes us by.
I’m drowning in our silence.
Cultural Differences
I was having a conversation with my best friend tonight, and our topics eventually lead to how a few people have recently started to view her. Increasingly, she has started to speak her mind and not succumb to the opinions of others, which is something which I’ve been trying to get her to work on the past few years since I’ve met her. Now that she’s finally speaking her mind more, it seems that those who are not taking her approaches well. This is where cultural differences make an appearance.
Here in Australia, it is considered as a good thing for you to speak your mind and to let people know how you honestly feel. To speak the truth is regarded highly amongst family and peers. Yet, there are some countries where when you speak your mind, it is considered as stepping out of line. Somehow, that doesn’t sit with me very well. Is it really so bad for me, for example, to tell a friend what I think of their actions if they aren’t exactly a good thing? if they were taking drugs, wouldn’t it be better if I told them to stop rather than to step back and give frail opinions? I can’t do that. That isn’t the person I am. I’m not one to take the backseat and pretend everything is alright when it isn’t.
The world isn’t so happy and dandy that we have daisies popping out of our heads.
How can we change the world if we aren’t honest with each other to begin with? What good is it changing our hearts for the better if we cannot even express them clearly? It’s like lighting a candle as a guiding light but keeping it under a casket. It cannot serve it’s purpose that way if it is disguised to be something else.
I’m a very headstrong person with a personality that doesn’t like to back down for anyone. In comparison to what my best friend did, I have done so much worse yet after these confrontations, depending if the person listens and takes account what they’ve done, we usually end up being even closer. I find it somewhat of a waste and a shame that these people who my best friend once considered as her friends are no longer just because she decided to speak her mind. Was their friendship really that fragile? Was it so wrong of her to tell them that she wanted to follow their heart instead of giving into their whims? Truly, who is the selfish one? Although her motives are primarily to serve herself, aren’t those who opposed her also only in it for themselves?
Perhaps I’m bias, and although I know she shouldn’t have lost her temper the way she did, I also know that the whole blame shouldn’t be on her. I would hate to think how these people would see me if they truly saw my bitchy side. I honestly think that my temper is a lot more explosive than hers.
Maybe because the world doesn’t understand each other is the reason why our countries have so many disagreements.
Self Evaluation
Every now and then, I take a step back and try to see how I’ve changed and progressed as a human being. In comparison to just last year, there has been so much change that may not be obvious to the naked eye, but I feel and know it within myself.
Undeniably, my solo trip to Japan played a big factor in my change. I learned many things being on my own, thousands of miles away from family and friends. During a time of an economic crisis, where the currency I brought along was only worth half of what I was hoping it would have been, taught me to remember what was essential. Just because I didn’t have as much money to spend as I wanted didn’t mean that I couldn’t have fun. I also learned to be self-reliant, but also to be alright with being reliant on friends and family in time of need. When I needed help with my finances, my sister Daisy was there to help me along whenever she possibly could. I owe her so much more than just money – she knew that the journey was very significant to me. Probably more than she could imagine.
The other change that I can clearly pick out is that I have laid down set goals for myself. I want to write and be published; to sing again on a stage no matter how big or small the audience. I want to help those around me realize their dreams, so we can all aim for our heart’s desire no matter how long or tough the trail may be. I want to lay down the foundations of a career and start saving all for the purpose of having my own family one day. I won’t deny myself any pleasures or fun activities because of the long term goal, but I do know that ultimately, what I want to do is to raise my own family with someone whom I love with my entire being, and loves me in the same way in return. But just because this what I want doesn’t mean I’ll rush into it – I’m not going to jump at the first guy to show interest in me. I will wait until I find a person who captures my heart entirely.
Then there are the usual things such as maturing more due to life experience. Part of this is me not putting up with nonsense with people to a certain extent. I don’t appreciate it when people try to force their ideals on me, or when they feel the need to lie in order to protect their own pride. My value for truth and honesty only continues to grow and I don’t appreciate people who I call my friends to say false things. As a writer, I know the value of words. They have greater power than most people imagine.
Although this is something that I have always known, more than ever, this year I have realized how little material things mean to me. With a credit card debt that I’m paying off slowly, I sacrifice buying myself any luxuries. I buy things for myself very rarely, and it doesn’t bother me because I am content with what I already have. For me, the truly priceless things are my friends and family – whether I am chatting for hours on end to my best friend on MSN, hanging out doing nothing in particular with the crew or playing with my nieces and nephews, each of them bring me happiness and contentment. Just to see the smiles of my loved ones is enough for me to know that this life I’m living is truly a gift and blessing. It may sound corny and cliché, but it’s my truth.
There may have been things about me which have changed, or realizations which now become more obvious but that doesn’t mean I’m no longer the same person. I am still Glenda Jane Grande – the girl who loves to dream beyond all things; the girl who is in love with inspiration of all forms: music, life, art, the world and all its gifts. I am, in many ways, still a child who is easily amused with all things shiny, watching anime and reading manga when time permits. I have a curious nature, an open mind and undying optimism. My interest in fashion and jewellery remain strong. I am a gamer girl: geek and nerd by nature. I’m willing to give almost anything a try at least once, unless it’s drugs or something of that sort – then I’ll show you where the door is. I am a writer, singer and artist in my heart, and as long as these passions continue to burn and stir within me, I will continue to fly in the skies – no storm will ever stop me. My aim remains to inspire those around me in hopes they will change and inspire those around them, creating a butterfly effect to slowly change the world into a better place.
I’ll never change myself for the sake of someone else. I love my life, who I am and this world. I only hope that one day, everyone will be able to love themselves and this place we live in as much as I do, because this is what we were given with and so we should make the most out of what we have.
Love my life
Despite this ridiculously early heatwave and the stress of uni right now, I’m absolutely loving my life and am so happy to be blessed with so many wonderful things.
I love my family – my parents, my siblings, nieces, nephews, cousins, aunts and uncles… all of them! No matter what will happen in my life, I will always have them no matter what, and I’m extremely grateful for that.
I love my friends – I am so lucky and blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life! Who knows what the future will bring, but the change in my heart created by each person helps shape me into who I am and who I will become.
I love those who inspire me – I may not know (or known) them personally but their existence affects me greatly. Alice Nine, Se7en, MJ, Delta Goodrem, Mariah Carey, Aaliyah, Traci Harding, J.K. Rowling and so many others – they all have affected me in different ways (especially Alice Nine.) They all give me hope, courage, determination and motivation to push through with my dreams.
Sometimes we get so caught up that we forget to see the blessings in our lives. This is why I like to take the time to step back and remember what God has given me, and it’s times like these that I really, truly appreciate my life and find happiness in what I have. Nothing material could ever surpass the love and joy given from the people who surround you in life.
Why don’t you take a step back, reflect and realize how much you really have in life? You may find that you have so much more to be appreciative of than food on the table and a roof over your head.
I wish everyone could be as happy with their lives as I am. <3
